Midnight

This is the product of writing at midnight and I have no idea where it came from.

I hate how, after he’s left, I can still smell his soap on my clothes after he’s hugged me. He always smells good, not overly cologned good, but nice clean good. There was even one time, while I was crashed out on his couch that I entertained the idea of going and seeing what kind of soup he used. I’d had plenty of time considering the massive hangover I had that night. That was entirely his fault; he supplied the booze and told me to just unwind and that I could sleep there that night. He even let me have his bed. What was curious was the fact that I woke up with my head on his chest.
We have been dancing that damned courtship dance for two months, a record for both of us I’m sure. I’ve had actual relationships last less time than that. He was older than me; hence, him supplying the booze since at the lovely age of twenty I couldn’t buy it myself. He was six years older than me, if I’d been jailbait I’d understand but he argued that we were simply at different stages of our lives. I was entering my bachelors program and he was a year or two away from finishing his doctorate. Psychology majors, yeesh! He said he was getting ready to settle down and I was, well I wasn’t sure where I was.

Save the Ta-Tas (humor)

GRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
I have spent the last two months trying to find a job. I have filled out at least 20 applications, I've written many resumés, I've driven around looking for 'help wanted' signs, and nothing. Zip, zilch, nada.
My cousin, she walks into a restaurant, smiles, and asks if they're hiring. She starts Friday. What. The. Hell!!!!!
I spend two months looking and she walks in on a spur and gets a bloody job. My drop-out cousin, whose in a trade class cause she couldn't do anything else, gets a job easier than me.
Knowing her, she was probably wearing her white spaghetti strap that makes a male wonder that if she bent over if she'd fall out of that shirt.
It's the boobs. It really is. She's a DD. Guys can't help but stare.
I need more booby shirts...

"Falling in love with love is falling for make believe..."

I think that soul mates and true love is fictional. Finding that person that you have perfect symmetry with, doesn't exist. The stories of people that have met someone that can finish their sentences, that knows them in and out, that they honestly love with all of their heart...that's a one in a million. For the rest of us mere mortals that haven't been so divinely blessed we have to settle for someone that can be what we need.

Janix, I adore you. But I am tired of waiting for you to realize that what your sibling has is just that. Once in a million. For most of us, love is someone that we're compatible with, that makes us think 'kiss me.' You want me to be like your ex that called you every day, that needed to talk to you all the time. That's not me. If I depended on anyone like that, I would never have made it through half of the crap that I have made it through with so few scars on my heart.
I'm no one's first priority. No one goes to sleep thinking about me or wanting to call me. And if someone did I'd probably be a bit creeped out.
I've said many times that my happily ever after will be with the man that can laugh when I get weird, calm me down when I get homicidal, ground me when I go a bit mad, stop me when I try to do something crazy (or at least have a first aid kit ready), and can actually put up with me until a wedding.

I don't want some perfect life. If I had one I'd probably spend my time trying to figure out how the heck did that happen. I want a real one. I real life, a real relationship that isn't going towards some make believe future.

Harmonies

Yea, so I have spent the last five days or so working on the harmony of a song. And today it came to me. I wonder, since the song is about Janix that this is a sign. Who knows, but as that situation is still giving me a headache I'm not gonna spend much time on that. (Not that I regret it. It's just horribly complicated.)
Well today I gave my speech in Religions class about Wicca. Rin and I talked about it all the way home. What surprised us were the questions that were asked, as opposed to the ones that weren't.

1. No I cannot turn a person into a frog. I would love to be able to but I am bound by human limitations. Unlike stupidity. "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Albert Einstein
2. Have you seen Jesus? No? You believe in him, right? So why does that mean that I have to have seen one of my goddesses for them to be real?
3. Magick isn't flashy like it is in the movies so no I can't fly, no I can't make sparks shoot from my fingers, and no I can't move things with my mind. I have precog not telekinesis.
4. Yes I believe in faeries, dragons, vampires, werewolves, leprecauns, and all the other fey. And yes I even occasionally see them.
5. If I wanted to hurt someone physically I would just punch them as opposed to calling down some bad mojo on my butt. Everything comes back to you and using magick to hurt someone is...going...to...hurt...you...BACK! I'm a black belt. I'm a rather strong black belt. And a rather sadistic one. *Whispers.* I'll just kick them.

And Rin, you are funny. But then again I'm rather mean also so you might just naturally crack me up.

Break Ups

My heart feels like its breaking. I have a theory about broken hearts. The reason your heart hurts so much is because it's telling that this isn't the path that you're supposed to be following. Your heart is saying 'stop. Rethink this decision.'
Secondly, I feel like I'm in limbo. I think Janix and I have broken up but I don't know for sure. When I said that I was breaking up with him he kind of changed my mind on if I wanted to but then said he would prefer if I did because he's certain he'll hurt me again. To hell with that. I admit it, I'm a bit of a masochist and it's not his job to make my decisions for me. I want to be with him.

Great...

Today was...not how I hoped it would be. I had my heart torn out but somehow managed to not let it get noticed by my boyfriend.
His family would condemn me for my religion as opposed to ever getting to know me. The reason he doesn't do the same is because I fascinate him. Someone should really tell him that is sooooo not something to tell a girl. I want to curl up in a ball and sob.
Part of me thought 'maybe I should stop this now' but Goddess I love being with him so I thought 'I'll wait until I know what will happen. I will hope for a wild card.' I want to know what the right choice is: to break up with him before everything completely falls apart or wait for it to happen.

Ranting

Normally, I post things because I enjoy being on the soap box and ranting but the truth is, I am entirely content and at peace with the world.
HA!!!! As if! So lets see... My cousin's an idiot but that's nothing new and I'd really like to know what's going on inside my boyfriend's head but as he's not being particularly forthcoming I shall have to keep asking. My boyfriend is a gentleman while not nearly as interesting as a bad boy I adore him for it.
Spring Break is entirely overrated. It's not all that interesting.
Oh and I hate cleaning. I'm going to get rich and famous so that I can have a maid to clean my room for me. But until then I need to clean my room before I can no longer find the floor.

Not Sure

I'm falling in love with Janix. And I'm not certain what to do.
Oh dear Goddess, what am I supposed to do? I feel completely lost. I mean, I've only once fallen for someone that had anywhere near the same feelings for me as I do him.
But...I'm not sure how he feels...

Wizard of Oz and Wicked

I'm in a family of scarecrows though Fiyero was hot when he was still human.
Just so there's no confusion my name is 'wickedgirlie' from the musical Wicked, and girlie because that's what I call my friends.
So if my family is all scarecrows does that make me the Tin Man or the Wicked Witch? As long as I'm not Glinda. I love Elphaba and Boq is a jerk so lets go with Elphaba. I don't see how Nessa's spell worked. He never had heart to begin with. Or a brain. Maybe that's why he's hollow. Hehe.

Hmph

Well today was a complete waste of make-up. I never thought I'd ever really say that but what do ya know. I did. I was particularily cute today and Janix didn't bother to show up. Hmph.
Now, I'm not a girly girl but I enjoy looking hot. More importantly I like when I happen to catch a guy watching me walk by. (Yes, it happens. Even if Orion never bloody realized it. Again hmph.) This one time a girl commented that I wasn't very tomboy in my tank top and hip hugger jeans. I told her it wasn't about looking the part, I like looking hot, and then I looked at her boyfriend who was 'subtly' checking me out and said, "looks like your boyfriend agrees." She was pretty pissed. Hehe
Back to Orion... It's a shame that Dante didn't create a circle of hell for for stupidity but then again that circle would be overflowing and no one would ever get to heaven. (I'd be in the Eighth Circle in Bolgia 4. Hey, at least I'd be i n the fortress or whatever.)

Shyness (Mysterious of Men Part 2)

Guys are so impossible. While I acknowledge that I'm horrible at the subtleties of reading between the lines, would it kill a guy to recognize that I'm asking him out? I mean really. Yes, I know that it's the 21st century but I hate making the first move. I recognize that Janix is shy but so am I and if we both wuss out nothing is accomplished.
Dammit, dammit, dammit! Yes, I know that wasn't particularily eloquent but it was what came to mind.
I always thought that I was comfortable in my own skin but is my shyness a flaw or is it just my personality?
Sincerely,
Shyness...

Pain in the Butt Cards

I love my tarot cards, really I do. They're just capricious, fickle pains in the butt.
What psychics don't want you to know is that tarot cards have emotions and minds of their own. These reflect the reader so try to get a psychic that really is as serene as they all pretend to be. If the reader is mischievous by nature, so will her deck.
Mine like mind games. They always tell the truth, okay they usually tell the truth, only problem is that truth may not be what I asked. Or they'll give really obvious answers that make you think well duh. I coulda figured that out on my own.
Yesterday I asked about Orion. I asked if he had feelings for me: yes, yes. I asked if he hated me: no, yes, no. If he loved me: yes, no, yes. If he'd make a move: a difinitive NO. If he was gay: yes, yes, no.
...Oh dear. Maybe Isabelle was right all along. Either that or the cards are really enjoying this. Brigid (My cards) are seriously enjoying this.

Cute Guys

There's a cute guy in one of my classes and naturally, he has a girlfriend. Totally figures huh?
I was with Isabelle and Rin and we were talking about cute guys.
Rin: There's a 50-50 chance of that happenning.
Isabelle: It was more like 20-80.
Rin: That's kinda mean.
Me: No. She's right. Actually it's more 20-30-50. 20% chance he's single, 30% that he's gay, and 50% that he's got a girlfriend.

GRRRRR!!!!!! Why does it have to be so bloody difficult to find a cute guy? Really?

Bigotry

Last night I was watching CSI: New York. It was the episode where a Nazi soldier was found after he sold a brooch that he stole from a Jewish woman that trusted him to get her and her family across the border but instead he delivered her to Auschwitz. I cried. It didn’t matter that the story was fake; for another family it was probably true.
When I was 14, I went to Germany with my grandmother, my cousin, and some other students. We went to Dachau. I stayed within the walls for maybe five minutes before I wanted to run as far away as I could and purify myself. I had to settle for the bus. It doesn’t matter how they cleanse that place it is tainted. It is as close to hell as I hope ever to be.
Once again, I sit and wonder. How do people do that to one another? How can people kill and torture another human that bleeds like them, that cries like them, and feels pain just like they do? How do they honestly believe that their victims are no more than animals?
Ignorance breeds prejudice and fear. One day I’ll be a history teacher and I want to be able to try and stop the hate but for now, I’ll light a candle for those that didn’t deserve to die be it to intolerance of religion, nationality, race, or just because someone didn’t like them.
Carlos Santana said “Those that do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it.” So remember the past and try to make the future a better one.